The worst day ever

Since my last blog so much has happened. On Friday, I think, my husband told me he needed some time to sort himself out. Some time out on his own. He was to stay at a friends down south and make a decision about us and what he wanted to do.

Well, on Sunday I learnt that my husband was not going down south by himself but he had planned a week away to wine and dine and entertain someone else. Someone I didn't even know about. It blew me away that he could lie and do this to me. I was so mad, I told him in unmentional words to pack and leave. After the initial shock he got that I had found out we started talking.

I cried for two days. Listening to his reasoning as to why and how it happened. I blamed myself for not being that person he needed, for not seeing the cues and for being so stupid to trust him.  I was surprised that he didn't just leave, that would have been the easy way out. He keeps saying that he loves me. What does 'love' mean? I believe that love is unconditional, I believe that love has no boundaries and love is acceptance.

Anyway, skipping all the tears and heartbreak and sleepless nights, we are still together. The week away has been cancelled. We have been left with a decent flight bill for the other person. My husband knows he did wrong, affairs are not the way to test if you will miss your wife and kids. Not the way to make you feel better about yourself. It all ends in heartbreak, trust issues and a big mess.

I don't know why I don't feel angry any more, I feel like I should be. My advice to a friend in this situation would be to leave, kick him out. It is so different when you are in the situation yourself and love makes you do things you wouldn't normally do.

We are giving our marriage one last try. We both have homework to do. I need to research some topics to talk about. I need to open up to my husband, I can't keep my thoughts to myself. I need to realise that everything I think of to say is not 'not worth saying' I should be able to speak what I think. It may be right, it my be wrong but that is what I am thinking. It is up to the other person to say yes I agree or no I don't agree because...

I have been afraid of speaking my mind, thinking I will sound stupid, say the wrong thing or make matters worse. I have realised that not speaking up is worse than speaking up and making a mistake. I am still frighened about social outings and speaking in front of a crowd. I think it is a matter of getting some confidence, starting in small steps. I don't think I am frightened of talking if I know what I am talking about. I am a logical thinker I need facts to be able to speak.

Well I'll leave this blog here. I hope I can change my thinking about talking for my future, whether that is with my husband or not.