Taking Control of my Life

I am in a bad place at the moment. Life is hard and I wish I could sort it out. My beliefs about marriage are up in the air. I feel stupid for thinking marriage was forever and that the vows made on my wedding day were from the heart.

I feel naive about the world. I was sheltered from bad relationships. I wish I had more experience in relationships, more bad ones earlier in life. Maybe then I could handle this one better.

I am writing these blogs to try to help me sort myself out. I am 37, looking at divorce with two young kids. I met my husband when I was 26 and I never had a relationship before this one. I was a quiet person growing up, I had friends but they didn't really have many boyfriends and when they did it was always on and off again relationships. I remember thinking I couldn't be bothered with all that emotional stuff and never pursued a relationship. The older I got the harder it was to start one. I got stuck into work and family life.

When I met my current partner I was resigned to living on my own. We met at a nightclub and there was an instant attraction. I was lucky that he pursued me because I probably would have let it go, too scared to start something. Anyhow, I thought I have to start somewhere and if we didn't click maybe I would have a new friend instead.

I then found out that he was leaving Australia in two weeks for good. Well a new friend it is! He went back to England but we kept in touch by email. Over the coarse of seven months we got to know each other and he decided he wanted to come back to Australia. So eight months after meeting we started a relationship.

Now I am at the point of deciding what I want and where I want to go. I need to work on my faults as they are destroying my marriage. I am not good at communication so these blogs are my journey through my issues and how I hopefully get past them to make myself a better person for me, my partner and my kids.